“You never let me have friends over!”
“I’m such an idiot!”
“I don’t want to go – it’s going to be boring!”
“She hardly talked to me at all! I know she’s mad at me because I went to the mall with Rebecca.”
“I only did that because you yelled at me.”
Sound familiar? How many times do we hear these messages, or say them ourselves? Have you ever stopped to consider how much power these words hold? How our feelings are affected by these thoughts? And how these thoughts and feelings influence our behavior choices?
Well, if you’ve done any CBT you have! CBT stands for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, a brilliant and practical approach to help you feel better! Have you ever tried to change a feeling? (or asked someone to?) How many times do we hear parents say to children, “Quit being so grumpy!” or, “You have no right to be angry about that – change your attitude!” Have you ever tried to switch your feelings from mad to happy, or worried to peaceful? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have that kind of power?
Cognitive-Behavioral therapists realize that it is very difficult to change feelings directly. What they offer, instead, is knowledge about how our thoughts (a.k.a. cognitions) and behaviors affect our feelings, and strategies for targeting those thoughts and behaviors so that we can feel better. Consider the following example:
- If I THINK, “No one likes me” I will likely FEEL sad, disappointed, and lonely.
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If I think and feel this way, I may:
- Sit in my basement by myself, watching TV and eating Oreos, or…
- Join a gym, art class, or book club and strike up conversation with others in the group
- If I select BEHAVIOR #1, I will probably reinforce my belief that “no one likes me” and feel worse. If I select BEHAVIOR #2, I will likely have some positive social experiences and realize that I am, in fact, quite likable (and feel better). I may even develop some friendships.
Thus, a Cognitive-Behavioral therapist helps clients to analyze their behaviors to determine what behaviors may be “feeding” their negative emotions, and supports the client in discovering alternative behaviors to “starve” that feeling.
But that’s not all! Often, the thought that is feeding our negative emotion isn’t valid. In CBT language, the thought may be “irrational” or “distorted”, or in layman’s terms, it may be a “lie” or “stinky thinking.” Let’s go back to the thought, “No one likes me.” Is that really true? Or is it a lie? The person in this example actually is part of a loving family, has two close friends, and several “pals.” BEEEEEEEP! LIE! Thus, the therapist would work with the client to help them rewrite this thought into one that is more valid. Their new thought might be:
- “I would really like to have more friends” or…
- “I don’t like eating lunch by myself” or…
- “That’s a lie! My family likes me, and I know at least seven other people that like me.”
Sometimes, just challenging the thought directly is adequate – we realize that our thought was distorted, and by correcting it (like in example #3 above) we feel better. Sometimes, though, changing the thought doesn’t make things all better. In example #1, the person may truly want to have more friends. However, this thought is much less painful than, “No one likes me.” By getting to the kernel of truth in the thought, the person feels a little better, and hopefully can also be motivated to action (like joining that book club). Likewise, in example #2, our child may feel upset because day after day they are sitting alone at lunch, and they don’t like it. Their conclusion (“no one likes me”) is faulty, but their negative feeling about sitting alone is valid. In this example, adults could support the child in developing the skills they need to approach a peer for a lunch date.
CBT is truly something that everyone should learn about! It was life changing for me when I was first introduced to the concepts during my Bachelor’s degree. If you would like to learn more about CBT, any of our psychologists at Eckert Centre would be happy to support you. These principles are also taught to moms during our Raising an Optimistic Child seminar which begins March 9, 2011 (register by phone at 403-230-2959 or at www.beaparentingpro.com – don’t forget to check your benefits package to determine what psychology coverage you have for the tuition for this class).
By the way, every one of the thoughts at the beginning of this article is a “Cognitive Distortion” according to David Burns (read more about this in his book Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy). To all of you CBT experts, do you know the type of distortion? See below for answers!